• Respect your physical and emotional limits. your physical and emotional limits. If you are tired, rest. If you are hungry, eat. If you are overburdened with many extra chores for the holidays, try to let some of your other responsibilities slide for a few weeks.
  
  
• Don’t Overspend. Set a budget for each person on your gift list and stick to it.
  
  
• Keep it Simple. If you find a good gift, buy several for those on your list. Pick names in family or group situations, or skip gifts altogether and donate the money to charity or spend it on a family trip or outing.
  
  
• Don’t worry about buying the perfect gift. Most gifts can be returned or exchanged. Besides, it really is the thought that matters. · Be Realistic – Holidays Aren’t Perfect. Stuff happens. Your kids may still whine or misbehave, no matter what kinds of delightful gifts they receive. The vegetables may turn to mush while you are waiting for the turkey to cook. The upstairs toilet may overflow in the middle of dinner. Your holiday will not look or feel like the ones in the television commercials, but if you stop looking for perfection, it can still be a wonderful time for you and your loved ones.
  
  
• Do not expect people to change. Expect them to act as they usually do. If Uncle Matty is crude, bigoted, and insulting every other day of the year, do not expect him to change during the holiday season. Make your plans keeping his limitations in mind. Seat him at the end of the table, next to Grandma’s bad ear, where he can do the least amount of damage.
  
  
• Limit your time with difficult people whenever you can. Instead of being afraid of your brother’s road rage, think up a reason to travel in a separate car. Stay at a hotel instead of at your critical cousin’s house. Invite your nosy neighbor over for dessert instead of dinner.
  
  
• Express gratitude. “Count your blessings” in an active way. Make a list of the people and things you appreciate in your life. Encourage your children to do the same, and consider asking everyone in the family to share their lists during your holiday meal. Send a card or an e-mail expressing your thankfulness to the people on your list.
  
  
• Connect with the spiritual component of the season. If you are celebrating religious holidays, don’t neglect to do things (e.g., going to services, helping the needy) that put you and your family back in touch with the deeper significance of the holidays.
  
  
• Do Something for Others. Focus on others who are less fortunate by volunteering your time at a food pantry or giving gifts to the needy.
  
  
• Be careful consuming alcohol. Watch your drinking, particularly if you have a tendency to become depressed. If you are already struggling with depression, consider not drinking at all.
  
  
• Avoid “preparing” to eat at a big meal or party by skipping meals or starving in order to compensate for what you are going to eat. Keep a regular meal routine. If you are not over-hungry, you are less likely to overeat at the party or function.
  
  
• Avoid restricting yourself from certain foods. You will be less likely to overeat if you allow yourself to eat normal portions of all the foods you want.
  
  
• Be kind to yourself if you do overeat. Do not expect the impossible from yourself. It is okay to allow yourself to “indulge” a little. If you eat a little more than normal, you will probably not gain weight.

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Advantages of online dating

• Greater control: You choose who you are matched with. Extensive search capabilities enable you to narrow your search by age, location, interests, physical characteristics, and so on to find a closer match.
  
  
• More selection: You have a large population to choose from.
  
  
• Physical preview: Photos enable you to view physical characteristics.
  
  
• Convenience: The service is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
  
  
• Protection of personal information: You do not need to give out personal information such as your name or address until you choose to do so.

• Higher risk: There is no initial in-person pre-screening by a friend/family member or dating service. The people you meet are complete strangers.
  
  
• Potential for deception: Members can provide false or inaccurate information. Until you get to know people better, there is no way to verify the truthfulness of what they tell you about themselves.
  
  
• Privacy: If you join an online service and include a photo with your profile, anyone who knows you and visits the site may see your photo. If privacy is an issue, this may be of concern to you.

If you decide to try online dating, check out the service you are interested in joining and find out if it is a legitimate business. Be sure the site is connected to a physical organization that you can check out, and call that organization. If you are unable to obtain an address or telephone number, you should probably stay away from that particular service.

We also advise you to read the fine print and be clear about exactly what you are paying for, which services are included, and what the company’s policy is for cancellations or refunds.

1. What organization sponsors this dating service?
   
2. What is the address and phone number of the company or sponsoring organization?
   
3. How long has the service been in business?
   
4. What is the cost of the service?
   
5. What does this cost include?
   
6. Are there any additional fees?
   
7. What if I decide to cancel? Will I get my money back?
   
8. How do you ensure my privacy?
   
9. What is your success rate?
   
10. Do you share my name or e-mail address with any other organizations?
    
11. What steps do you take to verify the identities of people who participate in your service?
    
12. Can anyone join your service?
    
13. Do you screen applicants? If so, how?

1. Learn as much as you can about the person up front. Ask where he or she works, went to college, etc. and try calling these places to verify the person’s claims.
   
2. Do not give out any personal information about yourself, such as your last name, home phone number, or address. If you need to give the person a phone number up front, give him or her your cell phone number if you have one.
   
3. Limit your first contact. Instead of meeting for dinner, meet for lunch, or, better yet, a cup of coffee.
   
4. Always meet in a safe, public place, where other people will be present.
   
5. Have a plan in place in case things do not go well. One suggestion is to have someone call your cell phone 30 to 60 minutes after your date begins. If you feel the need to leave, you can use the phone call as an excuse.
   
6. Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, make an effort to politely end the date. If you see any warning signs of problems on the first date, the safest course of action is not to schedule another one.

The bottom line is, do your homework, just as you would do when signing up for any other type of service. If you feel comfortable doing so, ask someone you trust if he or she can recommend a particular service. Keep in mind that some people have experienced great success with online dating, while others have not been so fortunate. Most importantly, be patient, don’t set your expectations too high, and do not let the search for that special someone consume so much of your time and energy that you are not focusing on and enjoying the other important aspects of your life.

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QUESTION: My 25 year old son is being treated for depression. He is a pretty heavy drinker. Could his drinking be contributing to his depression?

Answer: Since alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, the answer is almost certainly yes. Since many people turn to drinking when they are experiencing depressed moods, they can easily become trapped in a vicious cycle – the worse they feel the more they drink, and the more they drink the worse they feel. There are two other factors that make drinking and depression a risky combination: (1) Many medications, including several used to treat mood disorders, can become lethal when combined with alcohol. (2) Alcohol reduces inhibitions, thereby increasing the risk of impulsive behaviors, such as attempting suicide. For all these reasons, you need to urge your son, as strongly as you can, to speak to his therapist or doctor about his drinking as soon as possible.

QUESTION: My former therapist wanted me to come to services at his church, and continued to pressure me about it even after I said I was not comfortable doing it. He also said he believed in the devil, and seemed to imply that Satan was somehow to blame for my depression. Should he be treating people like me?

Answer: I am quite appalled by your therapist’s opinions and behaviors. No reputable mental health professional would say or do the things you describe. It may be wise for you to suspend your treatment, while you consult another psychotherapist to sort this matter out and review your options. For more ideas, we recommend that you also review the section in Defeating Depression on Red Flags: When is a Therapist’s Behavior Inappropriate or Unethical?

QUESTION: I was sexually abused by my uncle on and off for a period of years during my childhood. Now I am receiving psychotherapy for depression and eating problems. Do I need to talk about the abuse with my therapist?

Answer: Childhood sexual abuse greatly increases the risk of experiencing a range of psychological symptoms in adulthood, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and problems with substance abuse. As I described in my book, Treating Family of Origin Problems: A Cognitive Approach, many of my clients have found it enormously helpful to gain an understanding of how traumatic events in childhood are affecting their present day difficulties. Your therapist needs to know that you have a history of abuse, so that he or she can assess whether it may be related to the current problems in your life. Depending upon your therapist’s evaluation, discussions of the impact of the abuse may or may not be included as part of your treatment. Please note, however, that these discussions are meant to help you understand the effects of the abuse, not to have you relive these painful experiences. The decision to work on childhood sexual abuse in treatment is a very courageous one. The path may be emotionally difficult, but if your therapist is competent the results will be well worth it. It goes without saying that you should never be pressured into discussing childhood sexual abuse or any other traumatic experiences before you are ready to do so.

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