• Creative Gifts That Others Will Treasure
• Tips for Surviving the Holidays
• Meditate for Your Health
• Ask Dr. B: Is My Husband Having an Emotional Affair?
• Wishing You Peace and Happiness During the Holiday Season

Peace on earth? Goodwill towards men? ‘Tis the season to be jolly? For many people, these phrases hardly capture our holiday feelings and experiences. Too many of us anticipate the holidays with anxiety and a sense of dread. Once the holidays actually arrive, we are often far too tired, irritable, and burned out to enjoy ourselves. January 2^nd may find us feeling pretty empty –both emotionally and financially.

‘Tis the season to be tired, cranky, bloated, and broke –but it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are some commonsense ideas on making the holiday season a better time for yourself:

Read on..

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed emotionally and physically on a regular basis, you may want to consider meditation. The primary goal of meditation is to help you learn to relax both mentally and physically. The rhythmic breathing and exercises are designed to clear your mind and ultimately bring inner calm. Meditation teaches you how to find joy in just being yourself.

Improve Decision-Making and Creativity

Many successful executives, politicians, and sports figures have used meditation to help them achieve their goals. Clearing your mind allows you to be more open to new ideas. This can improve problem-solving skills and creativity. Many feel that an improved mental focus allows them to view situations more clearly and consequently make better decisions.

Inner Peace and Well Being

Some find that meditation gives them the inner peace and personal well being that we all want. When you are able to relax your mind and body, you can take a step back and see things more clearly. You may be better able to deal with thoughts and emotions and ultimately achieve inner peace with these emotions. Meditation can help you stay connected with the important things in life.

Read on ...

Dear Dr. B.:

My husband has become very close to a female co-worker. I know they go to lunch often, but recently I opened his cell phone bill and noticed several calls to her that occurred at night on a number of occasions. The calls occurred well after business hours, and they do not work on any projects together. When I confronted him, he admitted that they talk a lot, have lunch sometimes, and he confides in her about certain things. I have told him that I am concerned about it, and he tells me I am being ridiculous and that they are just friends and nothing has happened. While I trust my husband and believe nothing sexually has occurred, I still feel like it is affecting our marriage and that I am losing part of him to her. 

- Marie S.

Read on...

MySelfHelp.com would like to wish all of our members, their families, and the rest of the world a happy and peaceful holiday season.

If you have had a difficult year, or are going through a difficult time now, try to look forward to a year of new beginnings and small steps in the direction of growth and recovery.

Believe in yourself, and in your ability to make positive changes that will have a lasting effect on your mind and body. We will continue to do our best to help and support you on your journey of improved health and well being.

- The MySelfHelp.com Support Staff

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Peace on earth? Goodwill towards men? ‘Tis the season to be jolly? For many people, these phrases hardly capture our holiday feelings and experiences. Too many of us anticipate the holidays with anxiety and a sense of dread. Once the holidays actually arrive, we are often far too tired, irritable, and burned out to enjoy ourselves. January 2^nd may find us feeling pretty empty –both emotionally and financially.

‘Tis the season to be tired, cranky, bloated, and broke –but it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are some commonsense ideas on making the holiday season a better time for yourself:

• Respect your physical and emotional limits. If you are tired, rest. If you are hungry, eat. If you are overburdened with many extra chores for the holidays, try to let some of your other responsibilities slide for a few weeks.

• Maintain some financial restraint. Giving gifts does not have to plunge you in a financial crisis. Set a budget for each person on your gift list and do your best to stick to it. If you tend to overspend, try to make all your purchases with cash.

• Do not fret over buying just the perfect gift. Most any gift can be returned or exchanged. Besides, it really is the thought that matters. Those to whom you are giving the gifts should look at it that way. If they do not, then it really is their problem, not yours.

• Consider scaling back the scope of your holidays, particularly if you are experiencing more stress in your life this year. Where is it written that you have to do the same things every year? You do not have to repeat what you did last year, and you certainly do not need to do something bigger and better. Perhaps you can get by this year without the ice sculptures in your yard or the open house for everyone in the neighborhood. Going a year without sending cards is not going to ruin your relationships - and if you need to, you can always ask people to forgive you in next year’s card.

• Maintain realistic expectations. Stuff happens. Your kids may still whine or misbehave, in spite of all the delightful gifts they receive. The vegetables may turn to mush while you are waiting for the turkey to cook. The upstairs toilet may overflow in the middle of dinner. Your holiday will not look or feel like the ones in the television commercials, but if you stop looking for perfection, it can still be a wonderful time for you and your loved ones.

• Do not expect people to change. Ebenezer Scrooge may have undergone quite a transformation during the holidays, but it is not likely that the same thing will happen to the people in your life. Expect them to act as they usually do. If Uncle Matty is crude, bigoted, and insulting every other day of the year, do not expect him to change during the holiday season.  Make your plans keeping his limitations in mind. Seat him at the end of the table, next to Grandma’s bad ear, where he can do the least amount of damage.

• Limit your exposure to toxic people whenever you can. Instead of being afraid of your brother’s road rage, think up a reason to travel in a separate car. Stay at a hotel instead of at your critical cousin’s house. Invite your nosy neighbor over for dessert instead of dinner. If your sister is a problem drinker, consider meeting her for a holiday brunch instead of a dinner, preferably at a restaurant without a liquor license.

• Renew contact with people who have drifted away. The holidays offer a terrific opportunity for reconnecting with old friends or long-lost family members. Forgot about whose fault it was or what you wish you had done. Now is the time to let people know that you are thinking about them. In all likelihood, they have been thinking about you as well, and will be delighted to hear from you.

• Express gratitude. “Count your blessings” in an active way. Make a list of the people and things you appreciate in your life. Encourage your children to do the same, and consider asking everyone in the family to share their lists during your holiday meal. Send a card or an e-mail expressing your thankfulness to the people on your list.

• Connect with the spiritual component of the season. If you are celebrating religious holidays, don’t neglect to do things (e.g., going to services, helping the needy) that put you and your family back in touch with the deeper significance of the holidays. Involvement in spiritually oriented activities can help to reduce your stress, while keeping you connected to the things that are most important in your life.

• Be careful consuming alcohol. Watch your drinking, particularly if you have a tendency to become depressed. If you are already struggling with depression or other mood problems, consider not drinking at all. Find a polite way to deflect people who keep pushing drinks on you.

• Be careful serving alcohol. A host or hostess has no obligation to provide an endless supply of drinks. The best way to “shut off” someone who tends to drink too much is to limit the amount of alcohol you have available to serve on the holiday. Instead of worrying about someone drinking too much when they come to your house, keep only enough alcohol on hand to give everyone a drink or two. If you simply run out, no one can take it personally.

• Avoid “preparing” to eat at a big meal or party by skipping meals or starving in order to compensate for what you are going to eat. Keep a regular meal routine. If you are not over-hungry, you are less likely to overeat at the party or function.

• Avoid restricting yourself from certain foods. You will be less likely to overeat if you allow yourself to eat normal portions of all the foods you want. Watching everyone else contentedly eating a food that you crave will only set you up to overindulge later on.

• Try to be kind to yourself if you do overeat. Do not expect the impossible from yourself. It is okay to allow yourself to “indulge” a little. Your body resists changes that deviate from its genetically determined set point weight. If you eat a little more than normal, you will probably not gain weight.

• Expect a letdown. It is normal to feel let down when all the excitement is over. For people living north of the Equator, once the holidays end, all we can see is another two and a half months of winter stretching out ahead, promising cold temperatures, snow, and many more hours of darkness. Be sure to build some pleasurable activities into your January schedule, so you have something to look forward to.

By Dr. Richard Bedrosian, Ph.D.

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If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed emotionally and physically on a regular basis, you may want to consider meditation. The primary goal of meditation is to help you learn to relax both mentally and physically. The rhythmic breathing and exercises are designed to clear your mind and ultimately bring inner calm. Meditation teaches you how to find joy in just being yourself.

Improve Decision-Making and Creativity

Many successful executives, politicians, and sports figures have used meditation to help them achieve their goals. Clearing your mind allows you to be more open to new ideas. This can improve problem-solving skills and creativity. Many feel that an improved mental focus allows them to view situations more clearly and consequently make better decisions.

Inner Peace and Well Being

Some find that meditation gives them the inner peace and personal well being that we all want. When you are able to relax your mind and body, you can take a step back and see things more clearly. You may be better able to deal with thoughts and emotions and ultimately achieve inner peace with these emotions. Meditation can help you stay connected with the important things in life.

Emotional Satisfaction

Recent studies have even shown that our brains may change in response to this mental exercise. Meditation can change the grey matter in our brain, in the area related to emotions and thought integration. This may result in improved levels of reasoning and satisfaction with our emotional lives.

Improved Physical Health

With practice, meditation can help improve your heart rate and breathing. This may explain why many people experience a reduction in stress with consistent meditation.

There are many reasons why people meditate: healing, relaxation and stress reduction, connecting with their inner spirit, and staying centered. The experiences are unique to the individuals as are the benefits.

Although you may wonder if you are “cut out” for meditation, there are no special requirements, other than a willing heart. With all the pressures of the world we live in today, living in the moment is certainly a challenge. Perhaps meditation will allow you to enjoy the journey more.

The following websites provide more information on meditation: http://www.tm.org and http://www.wildmind.org.

By Barbara McGill

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Dear Dr. B.:

My husband has become very close to a female co-worker. I know they go to lunch often, but recently I opened his cell phone bill and noticed several calls to her that occurred at night on a number of occasions. The calls occurred well after business hours, and they do not work on any projects together. When I confronted him, he admitted that they talk a lot, have lunch sometimes, and he confides in her about certain things. I have told him that I am concerned about it, and he tells me I am being ridiculous and that they are just friends and nothing has happened. While I trust my husband and believe nothing sexually has occurred, I still feel like it is affecting our marriage and that I am losing part of him to her. 

- Marie S.

Dear Marie;

You are in a difficult position, because it is impossible for you to know what is actually taking place between your husband and his female co-worker.  In the final analysis, only your husband knows what she means to him.  It is possible that the relationship has no sexual overtones and never will.  

Sex does not tell the whole story, however.  A person can engage in an intense "emotional affair", without anything physical or sexual taking place. Some partners find such a relationship to be even more threatening than a sexual affair, and perhaps with good reason.  Instead of confiding in you, sharing his deepest feelings with you, seeking your support, and growing closer to you in the process, he is turning to her.  Sooner or later this is going to damage your marriage, if it has not done so already. Unfortunately, your husband is not yet able to acknowledge how this relationship is affecting his life with you.    

Moreover, just because there is no sex now does not mean that there will never be physical intimacy.  Two people can start off simply as friends, with no intentions of becoming more deeply involved, and yet over time, as they become close, they may develop romantic or sexual feelings for one another. Further, some unfaithful spouses deny their sexual involvements right up until the moment they are caught.  They also may attempt to deceive themselves and others about what is "sexual" and what is not (e.g., we never had intercourse, therefore there was no sex). 

The best thing you can do for your marriage right now is to ask your husband to start couples therapy with a qualified mental health professional.  It is vital to find someone who is reputable and competent, and the best way to do this is to get personal recommendations from people you know and trust. A good couples therapist will try to help you and your husband talk about the situation with the co-worker in a non-defensive way.  I would hope that through counseling, your husband may gain more insight into what this relationship really is and how it may be hurting the marriage. If your husband is able to put the brakes on this relationship, the two of you will have an opportunity to address areas of stress in the marriage, thereby reducing the chances of similar problems in the future.  

Dr. Richard Bedrosian is a clinical psychologist, president and founder of MySelfHelp.com, Associate in Psychiatry at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, and author of “Treating Family of Origin Problems: A Cognitive Approach”.

Send your questions for Dr. B. to info@myselfhelp.com. You will remain anonymous if your question is printed in an upcoming newsletter.

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