• Bikini Season Triggers Obsession and Health Risks
• The Healing Power of Forgiveness
• Dear Dr. B.: How long is it okay to grieve over the loss of your husband?
• Does Someone You Love Suffer from Depression?
• Calendar of Upcoming Events

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”
- Sidney and Suzanne Simon

When someone hurts us, we typically respond with negative feelings and thoughts, including anger, resentment, sadness, and frustration. Studies have shown that harboring these feelings can lead to physical and emotional problems, including elevated blood pressure and heart rate, stress, depression, and self-defeating behavior.

While it may be difficult to forgive someone – especially if you have been badly hurt – the act of forgiving can often be very helpful in the healing process. In addition, by forgiving the person, rather than the act, you take away that person’s power and control over you and are able to move on in your life.

Learn how ..

Dear Dr. B.:
My mother lost her husband (my father) 25 years ago. He left her a 48-year old widow with 5 children between the ages of 25 and 14. Over the years, she continued to be a great mother, however, she stopped accepting invitations from her friends and eventually lost touch with them, never got a job outside the home, and basically alienated herself from people who cared about her (other than her children).

Here we are, 25 YEARS later. She still is so depressed and lonely. I try to be patient and kind, after all, she is my mother, but I just can’t understand why she refuses to be happy. She has 5 healthy children and 14 healthy grandchildren.

I had her stay with me for a few months in hopes of getting her out of her environment and around people. That idea started out great, but didn’t turn out to be such a good thing for my family because she enjoyed having a few Manhattans in the evening and would be obviously “tipsy” and I wasn’t okay with my kids witnessing that. Now she’s back at her home depressed and lonely still. It seems as though she can’t get out of living in the past. Every time I talk to her, I hear, ”Your father used to do this...” or “When you kids were little...” I could go on and on.

I don’t know what to do. She tried to go to a psychiatrist once but he just put her on medication that she didn’t like and now she thinks doctors can’t help her. I wish she could just get over it already and enjoy her life and family. After all, 25 years is a very long time.

- Mary M.

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When someone you care about suffers from depression, you may feel a range of painful emotions, including fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration, guilt, or anger.

A new online, interactive support program will soon be available that will enable you to learn more and help your loved one as well as yourself during this difficult time.

To be notified when the program is available, simply send an email to info@myselfhelp.com.

Hope and Inspiration Eating Disorder Support Group
May 6
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National Alliance for the Mentally Ill
Upcoming walks:
May 6, Wilmington, Delaware
May 6, Maitland, Florida
May 6, Artisani Park, Brighton, Massachusetts
May 7, Wantagh, Long Island, NY
May 20, Seattle Washington
For more information, go to www.nami.org

National Eating Disorders Association Annual Conference
September 14-16
Bethesda, MD

16th Annual Renfrew Center Foundation Conference for Professionals
November 9-12
Philadelphia, PA

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“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”
- Sidney and Suzanne Simon

When someone hurts us, we typically respond with negative feelings and thoughts, including anger, resentment, sadness, and frustration. Studies have shown that harboring these feelings can lead to physical and emotional problems, including elevated blood pressure and heart rate, stress, depression, and self-defeating behavior.

While it may be difficult to forgive someone – especially if you have been badly hurt –the act of forgiving can often be very helpful in the healing process. In addition, by forgiving the person, rather than the act, you take away that person’s power and control over you and are able to move on in your life.

Here are some helpful steps:

1. Acknowledge the act that caused the injury.

2. Acknowledge your anger and your pain.

3. Appropriately grieve any loss you are experiencing (divorce, death, failed friendship or relationship with family member, etc.)

4. Make any necessary changes to prevent the act from occurring again.

5. Accept the fact that reconciliation may not always occur.

6. Remember that you can forgive the person without forgiving the act. Please remember that forgiveness does not require you to make excuses for the other person’s behavior or downplay the harm that may have been done to you.

7. Don’t blame yourself for being a victim.

If you have experienced trauma or abuse, the act of forgiveness can be much more difficult and involve complex issues. A therapist who specializes in working with trauma victims can help you address these issues.

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Dear Dr. B.

My mother lost her husband (my father) 25 years ago. He left her a 48-year old widow with 5 children between the ages of 25 and 14. Over the years, she continued to be a great mother, however, she stopped accepting invitations from her friends and eventually lost touch with them, never got a job outside the home, and basically alienated herself from people who cared about her (other than her children).

Here we are, 25 YEARS later. She still is so depressed and lonely. I try to be patient and kind, after all, she is my mother, but I just can’t understand why she refuses to be happy. She has 5 healthy children and 14 healthy grandchildren.

I had her stay with me for a few months in hopes of getting her out of her environment and around people. That idea started out great, but didn’t turn out to be such a good thing for my family because she enjoyed having a few Manhattans in the evening and would be obviously “tipsy” and I wasn’t okay with my kids witnessing that. Now she’s back at her home depressed and lonely still. It seems as though she can’t get out of living in the past. Every time I talk to her, I hear, ”Your father used to do this…” or “When you kids were little…” I could go on and on.

I don’t know what to do. She tried to go to a psychiatrist once but he just put her on medication that she didn’t like and now she thinks doctors can’t help her. I wish she could just get over it already and enjoy her life and family. After all, 25 years is a very long time.

- Mary M.

Dear Mary,

Researchers have found that bereavement persists for many years after the loss of a loved one - longer than even the experts realized.  "Bereavement" includes feelings of sadness, missing the deceased, thinking about the deceased, and so on.  Grief manifests itself differently in each person, and is strongly influenced by one's family and culture. Moreover, grief does not follow a regular pattern over time, as people once believed it did. 

My father died nearly 11 years ago, but all of us in the family still miss him and probably think about him in some way or another almost every day.  It is okay to experience feelings of grief long after the death of a loved one. Your mother's emotional reactions to your father's death are understandable and to some extent normal, even 25 years after the fact.  What is not normal, however, is her failure to re-invest in life once again, to venture back out into the world as an individual. Your mother never made the life transition associated with widowhood.  As a result, part of her remains stuck in what her life was 25 years ago.  She has missed out on many opportunities to participate in meaningful activities and relationships. 

Your mother has experienced what psychologists call "complicated bereavement". Something has prevented her from experiencing the natural healing processes that typically occur after the loss of a loved one. From your description, it may be that depression was the factor that prevented her from adjusting more successfully.  A substance abuse problem can also play a similar role in limiting one's ability to cope with a loss.  

It sounds as if your mother needs professional help.  Unfortunately, she had a negative experience with medication, and like many depressed people, she now "overgeneralizes", thinking that no one can help her.  Perhaps she might be better off seeking help from someone who does not use a medical model in treating her.  For example, she might be willing to speak with a member of the clergy, or a psychotherapist who specializes in depression and/or grief issues.  Once she establishes a trusting relationship with a helping professional, she might be more receptive to doing other things to help herself, which may well include taking medication or abstaining from alcohol.  With some assistance, she has the potential to make her remaining years active and meaningful.

Dr. Richard Bedrosian is a clinical psychologist, president and founder of MySelfHelp.com, Associate in Psychiatry at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, and author of “Treating Family of Origin Problems: A Cognitive Approach”.

Send your questions for Dr. B. to info@myselfhelp.com. You will remain anonymous if your question is printed in an upcoming newsletter. We regret that we cannot answer every question we receive.

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